I guess I was wrong

because I thought you were the only person who would understand.



I hate getting out of bed... especially when the mornings start like this one did.



I hate mornings....even with coffee.



I'm so angry. But it will be temporary. Everything always is.





_________________

Chip Willis.

everything has changed

I had a life-altering event happen to me on Easter Sunday. I'm not a religious person by any means (I consider myself agnostic), and mostly the date was a coincidence, but its just ironic to me that it happened on the (celebrated) day of Christ's resurrection.

Monday morning I transformed into a brand new person.

I'm always nervous about revealing too much of my personal life on this blog, but a big reason (primarily just a rationalization/justification) was because I couldn't be honest with myself. So how could I write anything of substance about myself without being honest with myself? I couldn't. So, my only option of living a fulfilling, joyous and free life starts with an end. An end to lying to myself and hiding myself from others who love and care for me.

::Big Breath::

So, here goes.

I have been battling with Dysthymia and GAD for the past 3 years after 2 years with Major Depression. The week of April 5th was a slippery slope to the bottom, and Sunday I fell to the very pit of the hole. It was either ending my life or getting serious help. Even though I was scared as hell, I told Matt that he needed to take me to the hospital immediately. I was brought into the ER, and they placed me on a 72 hour hold in the mental health unit.

Sunday night was the worst. Being in that empty hospital room, with no TV, no personal telephone, and all my possessions taken away, and being completely alone and locked up behind closed doors. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, and I heard chilling yells and screams from a different part of the ward that echoed within the depths of me. I was shaking, having cyclic cold and hot sweats, not being able to distinguish the sweat from the tears on my face. I had an all night panic attack, which perhaps isn't that notable considering that I had been pretty much having a continuous panic attack since Saturday morning.

In the morning, the nurse came in to talk to me for quite some time. She almost instantaneously made me feel better, and told me that this branch in the unit was for high-functioning people (with a few exceptions) with intense Depression and/or Anxiety and/or drug addicts who had threatened or attempted suicide; people just like me. The real "crazies" were in a completely separate part of that floor. Soon after the Psychiatrist came in to get my life story and get me on the right medications that will actually work. I've gone through 4 different anti-depressants within the past 5 years, and I was never prescribed any anti-anxiety medications even though I insisted. I think I'm finally on the right ones.

The most important part of that inpatient program was the group setting and the group leaders/facilitators. They had groups every hour that you were highly recommended to attend and they covered many aspects of what we deal with and how we can cope. You got to share your experiences with others, and resonate with other peoples stories. A big part of depression is isolation and feeling worthless, which I'm really good at, and that makes it all the more convincing to think that you're all alone and don't deserve help. Hearing those stories brought a sense of peace, at least in knowing that so many people struggle with all these things as well, and that many people are unfortunately worse off than I am.

Depression and Anxiety are the common colds of mental illnesses.

I was there for four days, and was discharged yesterday with a brand new outlook and perspective on my life. The sun never shown brighter or felt warmer, the wind never felt as refreshing, and an Iced Decaf Soy Caramel Macchiatto never tasted sweeter. ;) I can and will live pain free. I do not have to resign myself to pain and hurt. Although I am not responsible for my illness, I am responsible for my treatment.

Finally letting go and asking for help was the most important and best thing I could have ever done to better myself and my life.


So, here's to living a fulfilling, joyous and free life.




As always, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and words.

_____________

Matthew Scherfenberg.

Fear of Interaction

It's all in my head.


A friend suggested going to the Diamond Way Center at its first sunday of the month open house. I've been wanting to learn more about Buddhism and what happens at their lectures and meditations, so I was pretty excited to try it out, especially with a familiar, friendly face by my side. My friend called his friend (that frequently attends the normal meetings) to ask what it would be like and what we would be doing.

He said it would require about an hour of mingling.



Sssshudder.



I had attended a theme party of another friend's less than 24 hours before, so my threshold for meeting and "mingling" with strangers was past its peak.


Needless to say, I chickened out.


I think about why I become so exhausted with the anticipation and in the act of having to engage in small talk with normal strangers, even my peers, but I was at (more at) ease meeting handfuls of people who had seen me displayed naked at the Nude in Minnesota exhibit.

1.) I am very proud and confident of my work within those groups who understand and appreciate artistic nude photography.

2.) Many friends and acquaintances were there, so if I felt that noticeable twinge after talking with visitors, I could frequently recharge my batteries by alternating talking and relaxing with my friends.

3.) Friday night: A bit of indulgence of the Riesling. Alcohol makes an excellent lubricant.


Well, what about meeting and working with photographers I've never worked with before?

They've seen my work, and at the very least respect it, (and likewise for me for their work) otherwise we would have never got in contact in the first place. And I talk with all photographers online prior to meeting, and often over the phone, so that also facilitates the ease of meeting them for the first time.

But yes, at the start of my modeling, I was just as nervous as I am in normal situations now. But I got over that pretty fast.

I think most of the anxiety I feel when meeting with peers or strangers outside my comfort circles is the near certainty that I will have to talk about myself, and how I feel stunted by the composition and eloquence of my speech. It's like all the words in my head just fly above my head, and I'm constantly straining and reaching for them, but they're just out of reach.

It's just something I have to force myself to stop shying away from; dive right in, and face my fears. Getting back into classes will provide those opportunities, for sure.



On the upside, I called the temp agency I worked for, and they have a 2nd and 3rd shift opening of my old position at Merrill Corporation in Financial Services as an Assistant Project Manager. I was good at it, I liked the work, I liked the people I worked with and for (all older males - no drama!) and I was canned because Merrill (obviously a decision that was short-lived) dropped all of their temps to save money. I guess they figured that really wasn't in their best interest in the long run...

But it will be quite a change going from $0 an hour to $16 an hour...

...

Ahhhh!, I guess I'll have to face up to that fear of speaking between 3:30-4:00pm today when I do a phone interview with 3 of the managers. At least I dont have to do the interview in person...I'm sure I'd look ungodly scared!

Ahhh! Wish me luck!

"The great misfortune is that there is no organ, no kind of eyelid or brake, to mask or block a thought, or all thoughts, when it is wanted." - Paul-Toussaint-Jules Valery


_____________________

Daniel Love.

Dave Swanson.