when I needed it most

Okay, so, I'm going to go totally geektastic on all of you. Or maybe it's pure dorkaliciousness. But anyway, before I get to the sweet goodness of it, I need to describe what this means to me, and where I'm coming from.

I'm coming completely clean. You may not know me in real life or you may. Either way, I've been keeping secrets for a few months. And you know what secrets do? They eat away at you. I've thought that I should keep this blog as impersonal as possible, but that's just silly. The only thing people can really connect to are things in others that they can personally relate to. Our perceptions of others revolve around our own personal experiences. So, I have nothing to lose telling you all this, except my guilt and shame. The funny thing is, I've considered writing about this before, but I felt like I would be judged and therefore I would feel more guilt and shame. But what I sometimes forget, especially when I have an unwelcome guest in my home (I'll get to that in a little bit), is that the only person who has the power to make me feel anything is myself. One of my favorite quotations is, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." I'm rambling... so I should move on and be more concise.

I've been going through a lot of changes in my life in the past few months. I'm in recovery - I've eradicated alcohol and marijuana from my life and I've been completely sober for over four months without a single slip or relapse. Some can handle those chemicals in a healthy manner and be functional (or not), but not me. I have an addictive personality, which is both a blessing and a curse. Stopping cold turkey was hard, but an absolute necessity, which in a way made it easier. I've also been trying to find a way out of my current living and home environment and start living independently, since I'm living with family that uses said chemicals quite frequently in my presence. Plus, I'm 24 - it's way past time I leave the nest. Overall I'm struggling to create freedom from the chains that hold me down. The biggest, heaviest chain, it seems, is the beast. Depression.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I've written about the beast before. And it can change; it sneaks in with slightly different disguises so you don't know to kick it out before it has already overstayed it's welcome. It always does its best to convince you that it's your friend, your companion, your confidant, so that when it's already made itself at home with you, you're afraid you'll be completely alone without it. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful little monster. It's (usually) never as powerful as the last time it made it's way into my home, but it's still quite sneaky. It blocks up all the windows and doors - there's hardly any sunshine, there's no sweet breeze, but worst of all, there's no way out - until you make it leave. But you can't just wish it to leave, hope it to leave or tell it to leave - you have to kick it out the fucking door. And only you can do it. No one can sweet-talk it away for you, no matter how much they love you. But the very frustrating thing is, it knows how to pick locks. One of these days I'll learn how to keep it out for good.

Anyway, enough talk about the malicious bastard. So, I've been listening to a lot of music lately. It's one of my many coping mechanisms. And lately I've been going back to my roots - choral music. There are many, many great pieces out there that uplift me, but by far my favorite composer is Eric Whitacre. He's the composer that wrote/arranged Lux Aurumque, the choral piece I put in my last post.

He is a compositional genius. I realize that choral music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but take 20 minutes out of your very busy day and I dare you to listen to these songs (which are three of my favorite pieces) and NOT get chills. But keep in mind, there is no substitution to hearing a top-notch choir (like the Concordia College Choir or VocalEssence [which both happen to be Minnesota choirs - we Minnesotans really know how to sing] in a live space. You just can't reproduce the sound, even with professional equipment and recordings.











I had been listening to these 3 songs yesterday and today. After a particularly rough weekend, I had been trying my best to get my beast off my back. They helped immensely, but I still felt I couldn't shake it completely.

Then out of the blue this past afternoon I receive an email, which reads:

Brooke,

A fan sent me a link to your blog entry "Light and Gold", and that got me snooping around your site, and I was compelled to write you a quick note. SUCH beautiful work! Truly gorgeous, inspired images - you have such an eye for the delicate and the subtle.

Perhaps our paths will one day cross; until then, please know that you have a new fan in Los Angeles.

With much admiration,
Eric Whitacre

I thought at the beginning of writing this post, that I was going to go all gaga about what this email means to me, but there's not much more to say. Except, it's furthered my belief in my understanding of how the world works, my spirituality, the law of attraction, and that there is no such thing as a coincidence.

I'm flying free and high as a bird waaaay above the clouds. I'll be up here a while.

I feel like this:







The deepest, heartfelt thanks goes to Eric, a true inspiration, who took a couple minutes out of his day to look and to tell me what he thought of my art, at a time when I needed it most.




___________

Matthew Scherfenberg.

Light and Gold

"Lux Aurumque" - Light and Gold

Light, Light
Light, Light
Light, Light
Warm
Warm
deep/dignified
deep/dignified
deep/dignified
Pure
Pure as if gold
They sing and sing and sing.



If there are such things as angels in heaven,
this is what they sing.






____________________

Mark Haskins.

Torn

After I finish my final for Psychology later this afternoon, I will be on my winter break until January 12. This semester went really well, and I made a lot of great friends in choir. Next semester will be much harder, as I'm upping my credit load to 15 credits, compared to this last semester of only 9 credits. I'll be taking College Algebra, Chamber Singers, Technical and Professional Writing, Intro to the American Economy, and Nutrition.

All my choir performances these last two weeks were amazing. Yep, I'm tooting my own horn. It felt wonderful to sing all semester, and it's a wonder to me how I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was back into the full swing of practices and performances.

...and I miss posing, twisting, stretching, emoting, balancing, concentrating, performing... I miss it all. Once in a blue moon I still get to create lovely pieces.

I'll bombard you all with a series that Matthew Scherfenberg and I created less than a month ago. You'll get to see 5 selections from these in the 2nd annual "Nude in Minnesota" show (hosted by Stephen Haynes) later in the spring.












I suppose I better get back to my studying, as I only have 3 hours until I have to take my last final!

I hope everyone is having a happy holiday season!

It's Mid-terms...

...and a real update is mandatory.

It should be no surprise to me that its the middle of October, and here in the Twin Cities we are smack dab in the middle of fall. The brilliant colored leaves and the brisk air remind me everyday. It's just hard to believe how fast these 7 weeks back in college have flown by. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun.

My Intermediate Algebra class, the one that I dreaded the most when the semester started, is going fantastically. Really! We've had two tests so far, and I've gotten A's on both of them, including a perfect score on the most recent one I took last Friday. It's truly amazing how a good instructor can change your perspective on and motivation in a subject.

Likewise for a bad instructor. I wont say that my Psychology prof is bad, but he is not engaging whatsoever. I get more enjoyment reading the textbook than going to lectures. I don't skip those classes though, because if I started that cycle, I would not stop, and I'm not a fan of just throwing my money away. So I just try to stay as attentive as I can, and if that results in a few lectures where I'm being bored to near sleep, so be it. This is not to indicate that I'm doing bad in the class, by any means. I also got an A on our only test to date, and there is an opportunity to do a large extra credit assignment, just in case I get a B on any of the subsequent tests.

Choir is still the highlight of my week. Every week. Chamber Choir is obviously my favorite, but Concert Choir still has its charms. An extremely annoying, absolutely tone deaf bass that sits immediately to the left of me has turned from a painful experience to a hilarious event each class that us Sopranos laugh and bond over. Yes, I realize this is a bit insensitive, but my theory is that if you want to sing and be in a choir, you should at the very least be able to match some pitches. I don't care if you can't sightread or determine intervals, but by golly, at least be able to match a pitch or two with the rest of your section!

Chamber choir is starting into the performance season, and we have our first mini performance for 400 high school students tomorrow. I've very excited for it, but not excited for getting up two hours earlier than my norm. Ah well. These things require sacrifice.

Besides sacrificing my previous overload of free time to homework and studies, I've also been sacrificing it to a newly acquired job at Best Buy. Yay electronics. All kidding aside, it was about time that I get a freakin' job, and I'm excited to be learning new things and have new challenges. Maybe I'll try to work in the Digital Imaging department after a few weeks, because from what I can gather, I know more about cameras (at least DSLRs, its hard to keep up with all the cutsie features that the P&S's have) than most of those department employees.

Speaking of cameras, if anyone is wondering... yes, I do miss being in front of the camera. Correction: Yes, I do miss being naked in front of a camera. I feel as though I've hit a plateau, however. (Which is another component of why I'm taking a break from modeling for a while, besides the primary reason of continuing my studies.) I know that I can do infinitely more exciting, evocative and artistic work, but I've become so goddamn picky about who I want to work with and trying not to replicate any of the work that I've done before. I feel like the only way to significantly expand and enhance the work I've already done is to travel to the photographers I want to work with. This is very hard in our state of the economy. Most artists do not have the extra income to fly a model out to where they are, not to mention provide food and lodging. And I completely understand. If only I had a million frequent flier miles, I would be one happy traveling art model.



____________

Stephen Haynes.

It's amazing to think how Stephen has shaped my modeling. He has always pushed me to create depth and true artistry in the images I help create, and taught me how to convey emotion by pure body language and position. Thank you endlessly, Stephen.