when I needed it most

Okay, so, I'm going to go totally geektastic on all of you. Or maybe it's pure dorkaliciousness. But anyway, before I get to the sweet goodness of it, I need to describe what this means to me, and where I'm coming from.

I'm coming completely clean. You may not know me in real life or you may. Either way, I've been keeping secrets for a few months. And you know what secrets do? They eat away at you. I've thought that I should keep this blog as impersonal as possible, but that's just silly. The only thing people can really connect to are things in others that they can personally relate to. Our perceptions of others revolve around our own personal experiences. So, I have nothing to lose telling you all this, except my guilt and shame. The funny thing is, I've considered writing about this before, but I felt like I would be judged and therefore I would feel more guilt and shame. But what I sometimes forget, especially when I have an unwelcome guest in my home (I'll get to that in a little bit), is that the only person who has the power to make me feel anything is myself. One of my favorite quotations is, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." I'm rambling... so I should move on and be more concise.

I've been going through a lot of changes in my life in the past few months. I'm in recovery - I've eradicated alcohol and marijuana from my life and I've been completely sober for over four months without a single slip or relapse. Some can handle those chemicals in a healthy manner and be functional (or not), but not me. I have an addictive personality, which is both a blessing and a curse. Stopping cold turkey was hard, but an absolute necessity, which in a way made it easier. I've also been trying to find a way out of my current living and home environment and start living independently, since I'm living with family that uses said chemicals quite frequently in my presence. Plus, I'm 24 - it's way past time I leave the nest. Overall I'm struggling to create freedom from the chains that hold me down. The biggest, heaviest chain, it seems, is the beast. Depression.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I've written about the beast before. And it can change; it sneaks in with slightly different disguises so you don't know to kick it out before it has already overstayed it's welcome. It always does its best to convince you that it's your friend, your companion, your confidant, so that when it's already made itself at home with you, you're afraid you'll be completely alone without it. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful little monster. It's (usually) never as powerful as the last time it made it's way into my home, but it's still quite sneaky. It blocks up all the windows and doors - there's hardly any sunshine, there's no sweet breeze, but worst of all, there's no way out - until you make it leave. But you can't just wish it to leave, hope it to leave or tell it to leave - you have to kick it out the fucking door. And only you can do it. No one can sweet-talk it away for you, no matter how much they love you. But the very frustrating thing is, it knows how to pick locks. One of these days I'll learn how to keep it out for good.

Anyway, enough talk about the malicious bastard. So, I've been listening to a lot of music lately. It's one of my many coping mechanisms. And lately I've been going back to my roots - choral music. There are many, many great pieces out there that uplift me, but by far my favorite composer is Eric Whitacre. He's the composer that wrote/arranged Lux Aurumque, the choral piece I put in my last post.

He is a compositional genius. I realize that choral music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but take 20 minutes out of your very busy day and I dare you to listen to these songs (which are three of my favorite pieces) and NOT get chills. But keep in mind, there is no substitution to hearing a top-notch choir (like the Concordia College Choir or VocalEssence [which both happen to be Minnesota choirs - we Minnesotans really know how to sing] in a live space. You just can't reproduce the sound, even with professional equipment and recordings.











I had been listening to these 3 songs yesterday and today. After a particularly rough weekend, I had been trying my best to get my beast off my back. They helped immensely, but I still felt I couldn't shake it completely.

Then out of the blue this past afternoon I receive an email, which reads:

Brooke,

A fan sent me a link to your blog entry "Light and Gold", and that got me snooping around your site, and I was compelled to write you a quick note. SUCH beautiful work! Truly gorgeous, inspired images - you have such an eye for the delicate and the subtle.

Perhaps our paths will one day cross; until then, please know that you have a new fan in Los Angeles.

With much admiration,
Eric Whitacre

I thought at the beginning of writing this post, that I was going to go all gaga about what this email means to me, but there's not much more to say. Except, it's furthered my belief in my understanding of how the world works, my spirituality, the law of attraction, and that there is no such thing as a coincidence.

I'm flying free and high as a bird waaaay above the clouds. I'll be up here a while.

I feel like this:







The deepest, heartfelt thanks goes to Eric, a true inspiration, who took a couple minutes out of his day to look and to tell me what he thought of my art, at a time when I needed it most.




___________

Matthew Scherfenberg.

Another Bout

of the beast this week.

Its my own damn fault though. I have been careless, reckless and forgetful.

Its hard when you're stuck in your own box and cannot get out.


My education is very important, this I know... but I wish I could suspend it so I could just create art for a few years.


It's all good though. My life is a rollercoaster and I'm getting used to the ups and downs.


Bring it on.


_________________

Ed Freeman.

Alone in the Big City

So I have the whole day to myself after another cancellation. First one in L.A., but its my forth cancellation with less than 3 days notice. ugh.

What to do, what to do? I'm feeling pretty homesick, lonely and heavy hearted which is why I think its a bad idea to coop myself up in this apartment. I need to face my fear of the unknown and go explore this city.


No picture today. Sorry.

my safelight

I really think I should just camp away from civilization for a few months. Being with nature really calms me and gives me focus. But then again, creating art does too. Maybe that's why I feel so exhilarated when both are combined.

Being back home is an overwhelming reality check, and I wasn't ready for it. My beast (as Claudia so rightfully names depression) has come back to bite me in the ass, despite me being faithful with my pills, and despite the wonderful adventures I just returned from. I just hope I can scamper back off to the woods and shake it off before it clamps on for good and causes me to backslide. I'll have to prepare myself more diligently before I come home again.

I must have been crazy, but Matt and I shot this the day I got home. Yes, this is a lightpainting and I electively chose to do an intensely hard pose. It was back-breaking. Remind me again why I always try to do the impossible?

Oh yeah, it's for art. He tortures me sometimes, but he's always worth it.

everything has changed

I had a life-altering event happen to me on Easter Sunday. I'm not a religious person by any means (I consider myself agnostic), and mostly the date was a coincidence, but its just ironic to me that it happened on the (celebrated) day of Christ's resurrection.

Monday morning I transformed into a brand new person.

I'm always nervous about revealing too much of my personal life on this blog, but a big reason (primarily just a rationalization/justification) was because I couldn't be honest with myself. So how could I write anything of substance about myself without being honest with myself? I couldn't. So, my only option of living a fulfilling, joyous and free life starts with an end. An end to lying to myself and hiding myself from others who love and care for me.

::Big Breath::

So, here goes.

I have been battling with Dysthymia and GAD for the past 3 years after 2 years with Major Depression. The week of April 5th was a slippery slope to the bottom, and Sunday I fell to the very pit of the hole. It was either ending my life or getting serious help. Even though I was scared as hell, I told Matt that he needed to take me to the hospital immediately. I was brought into the ER, and they placed me on a 72 hour hold in the mental health unit.

Sunday night was the worst. Being in that empty hospital room, with no TV, no personal telephone, and all my possessions taken away, and being completely alone and locked up behind closed doors. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, and I heard chilling yells and screams from a different part of the ward that echoed within the depths of me. I was shaking, having cyclic cold and hot sweats, not being able to distinguish the sweat from the tears on my face. I had an all night panic attack, which perhaps isn't that notable considering that I had been pretty much having a continuous panic attack since Saturday morning.

In the morning, the nurse came in to talk to me for quite some time. She almost instantaneously made me feel better, and told me that this branch in the unit was for high-functioning people (with a few exceptions) with intense Depression and/or Anxiety and/or drug addicts who had threatened or attempted suicide; people just like me. The real "crazies" were in a completely separate part of that floor. Soon after the Psychiatrist came in to get my life story and get me on the right medications that will actually work. I've gone through 4 different anti-depressants within the past 5 years, and I was never prescribed any anti-anxiety medications even though I insisted. I think I'm finally on the right ones.

The most important part of that inpatient program was the group setting and the group leaders/facilitators. They had groups every hour that you were highly recommended to attend and they covered many aspects of what we deal with and how we can cope. You got to share your experiences with others, and resonate with other peoples stories. A big part of depression is isolation and feeling worthless, which I'm really good at, and that makes it all the more convincing to think that you're all alone and don't deserve help. Hearing those stories brought a sense of peace, at least in knowing that so many people struggle with all these things as well, and that many people are unfortunately worse off than I am.

Depression and Anxiety are the common colds of mental illnesses.

I was there for four days, and was discharged yesterday with a brand new outlook and perspective on my life. The sun never shown brighter or felt warmer, the wind never felt as refreshing, and an Iced Decaf Soy Caramel Macchiatto never tasted sweeter. ;) I can and will live pain free. I do not have to resign myself to pain and hurt. Although I am not responsible for my illness, I am responsible for my treatment.

Finally letting go and asking for help was the most important and best thing I could have ever done to better myself and my life.


So, here's to living a fulfilling, joyous and free life.




As always, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and words.

_____________

Matthew Scherfenberg.

Fear of Interaction

It's all in my head.


A friend suggested going to the Diamond Way Center at its first sunday of the month open house. I've been wanting to learn more about Buddhism and what happens at their lectures and meditations, so I was pretty excited to try it out, especially with a familiar, friendly face by my side. My friend called his friend (that frequently attends the normal meetings) to ask what it would be like and what we would be doing.

He said it would require about an hour of mingling.



Sssshudder.



I had attended a theme party of another friend's less than 24 hours before, so my threshold for meeting and "mingling" with strangers was past its peak.


Needless to say, I chickened out.


I think about why I become so exhausted with the anticipation and in the act of having to engage in small talk with normal strangers, even my peers, but I was at (more at) ease meeting handfuls of people who had seen me displayed naked at the Nude in Minnesota exhibit.

1.) I am very proud and confident of my work within those groups who understand and appreciate artistic nude photography.

2.) Many friends and acquaintances were there, so if I felt that noticeable twinge after talking with visitors, I could frequently recharge my batteries by alternating talking and relaxing with my friends.

3.) Friday night: A bit of indulgence of the Riesling. Alcohol makes an excellent lubricant.


Well, what about meeting and working with photographers I've never worked with before?

They've seen my work, and at the very least respect it, (and likewise for me for their work) otherwise we would have never got in contact in the first place. And I talk with all photographers online prior to meeting, and often over the phone, so that also facilitates the ease of meeting them for the first time.

But yes, at the start of my modeling, I was just as nervous as I am in normal situations now. But I got over that pretty fast.

I think most of the anxiety I feel when meeting with peers or strangers outside my comfort circles is the near certainty that I will have to talk about myself, and how I feel stunted by the composition and eloquence of my speech. It's like all the words in my head just fly above my head, and I'm constantly straining and reaching for them, but they're just out of reach.

It's just something I have to force myself to stop shying away from; dive right in, and face my fears. Getting back into classes will provide those opportunities, for sure.



On the upside, I called the temp agency I worked for, and they have a 2nd and 3rd shift opening of my old position at Merrill Corporation in Financial Services as an Assistant Project Manager. I was good at it, I liked the work, I liked the people I worked with and for (all older males - no drama!) and I was canned because Merrill (obviously a decision that was short-lived) dropped all of their temps to save money. I guess they figured that really wasn't in their best interest in the long run...

But it will be quite a change going from $0 an hour to $16 an hour...

...

Ahhhh!, I guess I'll have to face up to that fear of speaking between 3:30-4:00pm today when I do a phone interview with 3 of the managers. At least I dont have to do the interview in person...I'm sure I'd look ungodly scared!

Ahhh! Wish me luck!

"The great misfortune is that there is no organ, no kind of eyelid or brake, to mask or block a thought, or all thoughts, when it is wanted." - Paul-Toussaint-Jules Valery


_____________________

Daniel Love.

Dave Swanson.