Fantasies

I splurged and bought my favorite artist's CD last week. Fantasies by Metric. Not quite as edgy as their last full length album, but quite possibly more intoxicating.

If you read Stephen's blog, you got the whole scoop on the attendance at the Nude in Minnesota 2 show. It's guaranteed to have a greater attendance tomorrow than Saturday and Sunday combined.

Here's some shots from the opening Friday night.




The "Torn" Series.




Unfortunately, I'm going to be missing most of Thursday night at the gallery and arriving quite late in the evening due to my last choir concert of the season happening on the same night. It will be a really fun concert. I will be the (highest) soprano part on You Could Drive a Person Crazy...



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Only one more week of school, including finals. Whoa, that flew by fast.

Less than 2 weeks and I will be on the road with Dave Levingston to Glacier National Park!!


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"Womb" by Matthew Scherfenberg.

Matt Blum

Had a lovely shoot with Matt Blum last night. The first time I set eyes on his work, I was instantly drawn to his style and perspective. It took some time to finally get together, but it was well worth the wait.

Here are a few samples. There's a few more on his blog, the NU blog, and there will be a few more in due course.





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All the Minnesota readers out there, come to the annual Nude in Minnesota 2 this Friday at the Northrup King Building!! Seriously, it's not to be missed!

it's always about the light

and rightly so.




a picture, for your eyes, of my eyes, through Stephen's eyes.

everything has changed

I had a life-altering event happen to me on Easter Sunday. I'm not a religious person by any means (I consider myself agnostic), and mostly the date was a coincidence, but its just ironic to me that it happened on the (celebrated) day of Christ's resurrection.

Monday morning I transformed into a brand new person.

I'm always nervous about revealing too much of my personal life on this blog, but a big reason (primarily just a rationalization/justification) was because I couldn't be honest with myself. So how could I write anything of substance about myself without being honest with myself? I couldn't. So, my only option of living a fulfilling, joyous and free life starts with an end. An end to lying to myself and hiding myself from others who love and care for me.

::Big Breath::

So, here goes.

I have been battling with Dysthymia and GAD for the past 3 years after 2 years with Major Depression. The week of April 5th was a slippery slope to the bottom, and Sunday I fell to the very pit of the hole. It was either ending my life or getting serious help. Even though I was scared as hell, I told Matt that he needed to take me to the hospital immediately. I was brought into the ER, and they placed me on a 72 hour hold in the mental health unit.

Sunday night was the worst. Being in that empty hospital room, with no TV, no personal telephone, and all my possessions taken away, and being completely alone and locked up behind closed doors. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, and I heard chilling yells and screams from a different part of the ward that echoed within the depths of me. I was shaking, having cyclic cold and hot sweats, not being able to distinguish the sweat from the tears on my face. I had an all night panic attack, which perhaps isn't that notable considering that I had been pretty much having a continuous panic attack since Saturday morning.

In the morning, the nurse came in to talk to me for quite some time. She almost instantaneously made me feel better, and told me that this branch in the unit was for high-functioning people (with a few exceptions) with intense Depression and/or Anxiety and/or drug addicts who had threatened or attempted suicide; people just like me. The real "crazies" were in a completely separate part of that floor. Soon after the Psychiatrist came in to get my life story and get me on the right medications that will actually work. I've gone through 4 different anti-depressants within the past 5 years, and I was never prescribed any anti-anxiety medications even though I insisted. I think I'm finally on the right ones.

The most important part of that inpatient program was the group setting and the group leaders/facilitators. They had groups every hour that you were highly recommended to attend and they covered many aspects of what we deal with and how we can cope. You got to share your experiences with others, and resonate with other peoples stories. A big part of depression is isolation and feeling worthless, which I'm really good at, and that makes it all the more convincing to think that you're all alone and don't deserve help. Hearing those stories brought a sense of peace, at least in knowing that so many people struggle with all these things as well, and that many people are unfortunately worse off than I am.

Depression and Anxiety are the common colds of mental illnesses.

I was there for four days, and was discharged yesterday with a brand new outlook and perspective on my life. The sun never shown brighter or felt warmer, the wind never felt as refreshing, and an Iced Decaf Soy Caramel Macchiatto never tasted sweeter. ;) I can and will live pain free. I do not have to resign myself to pain and hurt. Although I am not responsible for my illness, I am responsible for my treatment.

Finally letting go and asking for help was the most important and best thing I could have ever done to better myself and my life.


So, here's to living a fulfilling, joyous and free life.




As always, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and words.

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Matthew Scherfenberg.

Spring into Summer

I wish it was summer already! I'm tired of having hunched shoulders from bracing myself against the bitter wind! Enough already.

My summer plans are shaping up very, very nicely, with lots of travel and art planned. I finally have my flights booked! (For specific dates, locations and booking, please go to my two portfolio sites at Model Mayhem and at deviantART.) I'm hoping that there's a few more travel/shooting opportunities that I can squeeze into my already tight summer schedule.

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I attended, with Matt in tow, Stephen Haynes's wonderful gallery opening last night in Downtown Minneapolis. I thought the gallery was very nicely set up, and I thought it was well attended. Although I was so wrapped up in chatting with Stephen, Dave and Matt, and sipping on my wine, that after a refill or two, I don't seem to remember much of anyone else except for the 'tog trio. Funny how that happens. ;)




While there, I got to see good buddy Dave Swanson. It was sure good to catch up with him and hear his stories from Chicago. I can't wait for more stories this summer when we're up at the glorious North Shore.

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On Friday, Stephen and I finally got the opportunity to shoot again. And wow, let me tell you, that shoot was off the hook!! Seriously though, we got some amazing shots and I had a wonderful time combining forces once again.

Just a small sampling of the results that I love:







Art keeps the flicker of excitement alive in my eyes.

Life Drawing

About two weeks ago, someone from deviantART stumbled on my site and offered an opportunity to model for a life drawing class that they were a student of. I gladly accepted, as being a part of a life/figure drawing class has been something I've wanted to do since I started modeling.

So yesterday was my first exposure to that environment, and although I was a bit nervous for the first 10 minutes or so, that anxiousness easily melted away. Everyone was so nice and appreciative, and very welcoming. The only uncertainty I had were my poses, as I didn't want them to be too dramatic.

So, I'm looking for more opportunities to be a life drawing model. I guess I'll have to get off the computer and start calling schools. Maybe a few of them have some summer classes.



My Poetry.

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A shoot a couple weeks ago with Image Group; Gary Cook. I brought my ideas to him, and I really like the final result.

exploration

I've been trying to digest some of the 2257 new law. Would figure drawings, paintings and digital manipulations fall under this rule?

Looks like I'm going to have to practice my boring stone face, and be more careful of what I create and post, even in my own self photography. Even though most of my work is relatively safe.

So, I'm pretty sure the last image is safe under the new rule, but is the top image?




I'm going to be entering a self-portrait call for art next week, and it requires 3 photos to be submitted. I'm trying to choose. I might be going in the studio again this weekend for some more fun and creativity.



I miss Erin. I wish she could come in the studio with me.

i got bit by the creative bug!

self-shot in the studio and self-edited this past weekend.


still learning and refining my eye. some work left to be done. all constructive criticism is appreciated.

Across the Universe

That Beatles song makes me feel like change should be comforting. I rarely feel change as such. I know change is inevitable, and that I should be open to it. Sometimes it takes me a while to adapt.



One change I am always open to is creating art and new ways I can incorporate and satisfy my addiction to challenging myself by posing effectively with my surrounding environment. Matthew usually finds ways to satiate my artistic hunger.

I wonder what we'll create next.














I'm getting excited for spring.


I'm getting excited for the north shore. Matt and I have already dedicated ourselves to one week long camping trip, and at least two long weekends during the summer. I love sleeping outside in the tent, waking up to the crisp, clean air, and listening to the unceasing melody of the lake. I'm not a morning person (especially without my coffee) but I'd jump at the chance to be on the shore for a bright beautiful clear morning sunrise (and if I had some prepared coffee with me, I'd be in heaven!). I had the chance once last year, and it was the highlight of my year.

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I had the wonderful opportunity to be featured in the online art magazine, Univers d'Artistes, written by the lovely Unbearable Lightness, here at this link.

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I traveled to the Met on Saturday. It was a wonderfully moving experience!

...yeah, of course I didn't actually go to the magnificent Met Opera in NYC (someday!) but I did see it Live in HD! at a movie theater. Stephen Haynes was gracious enough to invite me to a showing of Madama Butterfly by Puccini. Production by the late Anthony Minghella. It was beautiful in every sense, and I was moved to tears. Which, admittedly isn't hard to do sometimes, but still. It was a gorgeous experience. I'm definitely going to see at least one of the live showings of one of next season's productions.

Thank you again, Stephen.


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Matthew Scherfenberg.

Dave Swanson.

Carrie Leigh

I just thought I would scan and share the article in Carrie Leigh's Nude for you all to see, just in case you haven't had the chance to pick up a copy. (But you definitely should!!) Click on it to view the larger size and read my statement.




School is going great, and I had a fabulous day yesterday, most directly impacted by getting an English paper back with the note from my prof: "WHOA. What are you doing with your life? Is this it? This is the best student paper I've ever read. Let's talk. 100% A+"

So, that made me feel uber fantastic!


I'm super pumped for the annual Nude in Minnesota show! ...I just have to wait until May.


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Photo copyright: Tom Lane