Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year

I hope it will be better than 2009.

And wishing you all the same.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

tis fitting

..that I merrily received more film accessories and goodies this Christmas.

By far, the best and the most used Christmas present I received was a 100ft roll of Tmax 400 35mm film (expired, but hey!, I'm excited to see if I get some awesome fucked up exposures.) and a bulk film loader. We loaded 4 36exp canisters tonight, including one scratched-to-shit roll (that I loaded :D ), and it can probably do 16 more rolls. It may not be medium format, but I can shoot and play and shoot and play....

You saw the last post, on the f - eleven book. I'm very excited to see how it turns out!! Currently, I am flat broke, so I can't see the results for myself anytime soon, but the editing and layout is fantastic (courtesy of Wolf189) , and I've fully previewed the book several times, and every time I am more impressed with it's quality. So buy yourself a copy, and tell me how it is on paper. :)

I need to organize a trip soon. I know just the place to go.


Andrew Kaiser.

Friday, December 25, 2009

f-eleven book

f - eleven : a very diverse and fascinating photography book dedicated to a worthy cause.

cover photo by Dave Rudin


f-11 or f-eleven is a private photography group.
f - eleven books:


This is a rather fascinating collection of photographs made by a group of unique and talented photographers.

All of the profits of the book sales would be donated to "Friends Without a Border" charity.

to order the book:

the full preview:


The promo codes to buy the book with $10.00 off (till the end of December 31)

the promo code must match currency used.

Orders from the US (using US $): GREATGIFT
Orders from UK (using UK £): GREATGIFT2
Orders from EU (using EU €): GREATGIFT3
Orders from AU (using AUD $): GREATGIFT4

Over 260 images
20 photographers
160 pages (premium paper)
8" x 10" (landscape style)

Designed & Edited by WOLF189

featuring the following photographers:

Brooks Ayola ( Polaroid nude portraits )
Ralph Barker ( fine art landscape + still life )
Kincaid Blackwood ( erotic portraits )
Mariah Carle ( fashion + portrait )
Matthew Cherry ( fine art night photography )
Nicole Jaja ( travel + candid portraits )
Leo Lam ( editorial fashion )
Dave Levingston ( fine art nude in nature )
Brooke Lynne ( experimental nude )
Darryl Martin ( fine art thematic portraits )
Ken Mierzwa ( documentary punk rock portraits )
D. Brian Nelson ( personal work )
Trish Noble ( erotic portraits )
Keith Allen Phillips ( fine art fetish portraits )
Collin J. Rae ( fetish + erotic portraits )
Sarah Robertson ( personal work )
Dave Rudin ( fine art nude + travel )
Susan Michele Smith ( fetish+erotic portraits )
Kim Melia von Seidl ( candid portraits+erotic portraits )
Wolf189 ( editorial fashion + erotic portraits )

Also appearing or indirectly participating in the book:

Siouxsie Sioux ( Siouxsie & the Banshees),
Nick Cave ( The Birthday Party, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds ),
Peter Murphy (Bauhaus),
Daniel Ash (Bauhaus),
Henry Rollins (Black Flag) ,
DJ Scary Lady Sarah,
Aria Giovanni , Celeste Star,
Eric Kroll, Sez G.,
Darya Tsaruk @ ModelOne ,
Yuliya @ Elite Hong Kong,
Jemme @ FORD Models,
Brittany Vipond, Scar, Sarah Ellis,
Marell Kull, Fiona Jacob, Tiana Piranha,
Carly Champagne, Kat Love, Leona Anne ,
Acid PopTart, Roseann Kuberski, Becca Hope Ford,
Noelle Elise, Kelsey Dylan , Virginia Red,
Susan Church, Peter Camarena, Engel Schrei,
Mikki, Erin N., Renée, Krystal,
Belky, Lindy, Crash, Ken Doo,
Buddha Ayuttaya, Kess, _G_ , Hessica,
Rachel, Chrystyne,

Few of the Locations:
Tokyo Japan, Nikko Japan, Nara Japan, Luang Namtha Laos, Samye Monastery, Tibet, Thailand, Hoover Dam, Colorado, Las Vegas, Palms Hotel, Nevada, Manhattan Beach, Santa Cruz, California

* "Friends Without A Border" is committed to improving the health and well being of the children of Cambodia by providing quality medical care, extensive outreach and crucial medical education through Angkor Hospital for Children.

Monday, December 21, 2009

the show

Some of you may have already seen this, but I figured since I ranted about shooting a band show last week, I should at least show a result.

There were only a few that turned out, but this is my favorite.

The group is Deepsoul Dieties. They played at Acadia Cafe.

I need to re-scan and re-edit it, as there's a fingerprint on the band member's face in the background. But other than that, I love it.

The night itself, was a bit of madness.
I had a life drawing session immediately preceding the show, and I was actually prepared with directions from the school to Acadia. But googlemaps got it wrong! I don't know how, but it was telling me to turn onto a street that didn't exist. It was very weird. Eventually I found Acadia, but then had to find parking. A nightmare.

I finally get inside of Acadia, and I only have a few minutes before the band is on. The place is pretty packed, and there are a ton of familiar faces and a bunch of friends. I say hi to a few people and then I settle myself close to the rear entrance, which was basically the only place that had a clear shot of the stage. It's only a foot or so higher than ground level, and I'm only 5'5". Cameras are loaded, so I'm taking light readings. They start to play, and I'm trying my best to burn through my Neopan in the 35mm, since I know they're not going to be sharp (even though the 35mm goes down to f1.4), and I have a ton of expired 35mm film I want to use, including a Tmax 3200. I burn through it, rewind it, take the back off, get the film out and in its canaster, put the Tmax in, and for the life of me cannot get the film to catch. It was horrible. I waste 2 songs trying to load that fucking film. sigh.

So I just forget about it, take the film out, put the back on and put it away. I start using the Tmax 100 I had in the lubitel. I burn through that for the same reasons I burned through the neopan 100. Finally I get to use the Delta 3200, so I try to be more precise in what I was shooting, trying to make each one count. Also because it was the last song. It was the photo above that was worth it. Its pretty good for an amateur.

The show itself was awesome. I like their music... it really makes me groove.


Camera: Lubitel
Film: Delta 3200
Developer: Ilfosol

Sunday, December 20, 2009

a few more

Holidays are right around the corner. And I'm a procrastinator and still need to do my shopping.

...there's plenty of time.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Special Packages

I got a pick-up notice from the post office while I was gone.

My lovely pink Holga arrived!

So I waited in line for a half an hour (and after watching a few transactions/interactions, I can understand why Postal Workers go... Postal). And my goodness, its a lovely heap of cheap plastic.

I also cleaned up my Papa's Nikon F, so that's ready to go as well.

Tomorrow I'm going to a concert, and one of the band members asked me to take some photos of them, so I'm going equipped with:

Lubitel 166 loaded with Tmax 100 (120)
Holga loaded with Tmax 400 (120)
Nikon F loaded with Neopan 100 (35)

Films (35mm):
(All of it expired, some of it well stored.)

Superia 1600
Porta 400VC
Elite Crome 100

Tmax 3200
Neopan 100

I might buy a couple more rolls of Black and White 120, probably higher ISO films. I want to start pushing my film and see how that looks. Working in a dark, concert environment seems like a good place to test out high sensitivity film.

I might decide against bringing the Lubitel for various reasons, the most weighing reason being - its weight and lack of neck strap. I've already got to deal with that with the Nikon F, but it should be okay. It should be really interesting to start playing with Color film, but I have no idea what the results will be because of how expired they are. I have quite a few expired rolls (of 35mm) to get through before I can start playing with new color film.


I also received a copy of the book I was published in, "Dimensions of Disclosure." It's nice to see something of my own in print. It's about the quality I expected - nothing fabulous but definitely not disappointing. I believe I'm the only nude in there. There are some very interesting and wonderful self-portraits in there. I'm glad I'm a part of it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

shiny goodness

I'm here in LA at casa de Blum. She had to pick up her hubby at the airport late last night, so we are getting a little bit of late start. I thought blogging would be a good way to kill some time.

Getting here to LA was rough. My flight out of MSP was delayed (because of the snowstorm) so therefore I also missed my connecting flight. What a hassle. Not to mention, I was not feeling good at all. I had a pounding headache, which made me extremely nausous when I moved. Not a good thing when you're in airports all day. I attempted eating, but... my stomach was not having any of it. I barely got off my flight to LA and into the bathroom before it was too late. And whatever it was stuck around until mid-morning yesterday modeling for Sylvie. Have you ever done extreme posing when you have a blistering migraine? Nooooooot fun.

So, that's my dose of whining for today.

So it's mid-to-low 60's here and everyone and their brother are wearing sweatshirts and/or coats. When I went to the coffeeshop, I overheard someone talking to the barista saying they had such a large appetite lately, and they contributed that to the "cold" weather. The barista was convinced and continued to reassure his theory by saying that the body has to work harder to keep itself warm in the chilly weather so therefore you need to injest more calories to make up the difference. Sure.... this is true, but I would think only for the extreme temperatures, not in 60 degree weather. But its all relative.... right?

All I can say is that SoCal residents are a bunch of wimps. And I say that with love.

Tomorrow I'm back on a plane to Minneapolis. I just hope the temperature is above zero.


Sylvie Blum.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Which one do you think is the strongest? why?


A lot of things to do tomorrow, including a life drawing session in the evening. I just hope I don't encounter a white wall of death, as we're supposed to get anywhere from 3-8 inches of snow in the afternoon and evening.

I expect a lot of idiot drivers tomorrow. The snow flies and Minnesotans forget how to drive. Saying it's annoying would be a bit of an understatement.


Camera: Lubitel 166
Film: Delta 100
Developer: Ilfosol 3

f5.6 - 1/15 second


God damn it. If you haven't seen this "movie" yet (if you constitute 45 minutes long enough to be a movie) you're missing out. Its better every time I see it.


self-portraits. / pretty obvious, since they're all out of focus. *shrug*

Camera: Lubitel 166 (when, oh when, will my Holga arrive?)
Film: TMax 100
Developer: TMax (last of the lot. Trying a new developer tomorrow.)

Friday, December 4, 2009


With everything that's been going on in my life the past few months, I've made the decision to not go back to school this next semester.
It'll get done... eventually.

I'm going to be focusing on my modeling full-time again.

I haven't even started to put together a plan, but already decided destinations include:

Allentown, PA
San Francisco

I just need to figure out when and how.

If you want me to come to your area to shoot, hit me up, and lets try to arrange something.


I'm going back out to LA for a quick (4 day) spell with Sylvie next week before she has to submit her book. I'm excited. I think its a lot warmer in LA than in MN right now. :)


Lots and lots of shooting this weekend. I'm going to pump through my remaining 5 rolls of film tonight and tomorrow, which means I have to buy more developer. I'm thinking of going with Rodinal, and I've heard such good things about it, but neither NatCam stores have it, and if I order it online it wont be here for weeks. Maybe I'll just get some Ilfosol 3 or HC-110 for the time being.


AJ Kahn.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Falling behind!

I have so much to do, so many people to reply to...

Less is more.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Much love from Minnesota!


Stephen Haynes.

Monday, November 23, 2009

state of being

Click to see full size.


Lubitel 166 Universal
Tmax 100

1) f18 ~35 sec
2) f4.5 ~1 sec


This was an accidental double exposure - but I love it.

The garden outside of his hospital.

Taken yesterday, developed yesterday.

It may not be instant, but its fast enough for me.


Camera: Lubitel 166 Universal
Film: TMax 100
Developer: Tmax

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Developing! Part II

So...the scanner works... sort of.

I spent over 3 hours figuring out all the bullshit (pardon my french... but, well, I am french. Anyway, I digress) including finding the semi-secret covering over the top light source (hopefully you know what I'm talking about. It's he light source that allows for transparent negatives to be scanned correctly, instead of the light source from the bottom that scans reflective surfaces).

So I get that figured out, but now I need to find the film holder that comes with the scanner. Okay... so I spend 10 minutes looking for that - found it - and guess what? The two squares reserved for, what I can only imagine to be, 120 film is about 2 cm short on all sides. And of course, this is a huge deal - I dont want a third of my film not recorded... not funny. So I end up having to place in manually... not a big deal... except for when I scan it, the width in which it scans is also 2 cm short and, for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to change the settings so that it will scan more area.

So I improvise. But the only solution I can come up with is very time consuming. Oh well, it's a little more invested effort. Not a biggie. It just requires scanning each negative twice and then combining the two in photoshop to include both ends.

There are three computers in this house that I use. The main one is this laptop on which I'm writing. It is a great companion, even after 5 years with a bum fan. Then there's my grandma's desktop that's mind-numbingly slow, but the only computer that has the drivers and software installed for the scanner. And then there's my desktop Mac in my room where I have a copy of photoshop, but no access to internet.

It's been a bit of a run-around today, but man... I'm only slightly (very, very slightly) annoyed compared to the joy of being able to see my film bigger than 6X6 cm and, of course, in negative form.

There will maybe be a couple more to come in the next couple of days.

15 seconds at f4.5

And one of my double exposure experiments:


Camera: Lubitel 166 Universal
Film: TMax 100.
Developer: TMax

TMax was my choice of developer this first go-around because it was in a convenient size, inexpensive, and frankly the NatCam store I went to didn't have many other options that were in my price range (at the moment).


I did it!

Yes indeedy. Last night I developed my first two rolls ever! I also made up my working stop bath and fixer. It went off without a hitch!

I have to say, the satisfaction of developing my own film and then looking at the negatives is remarkable.

I'm in the process of scanning my negatives right now. We'll see if my ancient scanner is up to the task. It says it can do B&W negatives, so there's a very high probability that it will.... but I'm not holding my breath.

I'll post again soon if it works. I know y'all wanna see what I shot. ;)


Billy Monday

Somewhere in Pennsylvania.

It should be noted that there is nothing under me while I was hanging off the hook... except junked machines and lots of jagged, rusted metal scraps about 25 feet below. I think I made Bill, Scott and Lela very, very nervous. But once I get an idea in my head, well... suffice it to say that I'm very stubborn.

Friday, November 20, 2009


So, I never know what to do in these situations... luckily it hasn't happened often. But I always try to do right by the photographer. But... am I taking it too seriously? Or not?

I've been told, or I've heard somewhere, or maybe I've just assumed, that if a photo is posted (a.k.a. used) somewhere without the photographers permission (excluding the model posting it for promotional usage) that it is a violation of copyright infringement.

When I find or am alerted of (via google web alerts) photos of myself posted somewhere I always notify the photographer, and then I try to communicate to the "poster" that they are violating copyright infringement and should always ask permission from the photographer first before using an image in any way.

Now, be aware that I'm playing the devil's advocate here....but am I making too big a fuss about this? Should I confront these "posters" or should I just notify the photographer and leave it up to them to do it? Should I (and/or the photographer) be happy for the "exposure?" Are the posters really doing anything wrong?


Eric Hiss

And lots of graphite.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I've been in buzzing mode for the past week or so. No, I'm not actually buzzing or buzzed. No ingested chemicals have caused this state of mind. So, the word seems a bit arbitrary, but to me it most accurately describes what I'm feeling right now.

I've completely dived into researching various medium format cameras and various kinds of 120 film. Not only because of my interest, but also for the distraction.

The problem is... all I'm coming up with are subjective opinions from others via forums and photo sites. I guess its not really a problem, per se, but when I read oodles and oodles of posts about people arguing over film; Kodak vs Fuji, Ilford vs Agfa, slide vs color neg, and all the debates of specific films (Velvia vs Agfa Ultra, Tmax vs Tri-x, Delta vs HP5+, Superia vs Reala, ___chrome vs ___chrome, the list extends on to infinity... and I haven't even touched debates over developing/developers), I've basically compiled all my research and it chalks up to: You can't really rely on any specific suggestions. Some general ones you can accept - with a grain of salt.

It boils down to that I just gotta get out there and shoot as much film as I can and discover my preferences.

Someone very, very generous is giving me a Lubitel 166+ Universal TLR. It looks so peeerty. But then again, I have an instant attraction to TLRs... for some reason. AND, this camera even has a self-timer!... but its broken and probably can't be fixed easily. But hey, that's okay!

I think I'm stocked up on MF cameras for a while. Now I just need film. And lots of it.

And when I need/want a change, I'll go back to my two lovely 35mm cameras.

I'm really excited to try multiple exposures. In fact, I really want to swap rolls with someone in another city (cough cough Erin) and see what we produce.

I don't just want to take pictures, I want to create pictures. I want each exposure to be a canvas. I want to experiment, and I want to have fun. I want to be inhibited, so before each exposure my camera will slap down a shot. I dont want to take pictures of models, or scenery, or buildings - I want to create pictures of people. Of places. Of things. Sometimes I'm going to want to create pictures of everything and nothing - at the same time. Sometimes I'll let the camera take creation into its own hands, and sometimes I'll force it to do my bidding. Sometimes I'll be aiming to create something sober, sometimes something drunk. Sometimes realistic, sometimes bizarre. Sometimes I'll ask my camera to lie, sometimes I'll insist it be truthful. Sometimes I'll be neglectful, and sometimes I'll be clingy. Sometimes the camera and I will battle and fight, and sometimes we will sing harmoniously.

We'll have great adventures, my cameras and I.


Christopher Ryan.

Friday, November 13, 2009

size DOES matter

Look at these HUGE prints!

Sylvie is hanging 4 new prints in the Fahey Klein Gallery in Los Angeles. Seems that two of them are from our two sessions together.

The prints are larger than I am! I'm larger than life!


All images Archival Pigment Prints,
43x56 inches
Editions of 10


Seeing these made me really happy today.

That, and I used another reel of 120 (Ilford HP5 400) in the Brownie on my Papa and my two cousins (8 and 5) today.

The frame I'm most excited for was an accident.

We had the pull out bed for my gorgeous and sassy 5 yr old cousin and I had her lay on it. I stood over her in order to try a different perspective and just stood for a while waiting for her to relax. She's been trained by her mother to have the "picture smile" and I hate that!

It looks exactly how it is: FORCED.

So I just started talking to her, and then started combining words that I thought she (or kids in general) would start reacting favorably to... like 'fuzzy-booger-pizza,' for example. To my happiness, she started cracking up, and I flipped the shutter, as I was continuing to egg her on. And then she had a beautiful, spontaneous, head-thrash-laugh off to the left side, and I flipped the shutter again. Immediately afterwards, of course, I thought to myself: "Aw shit. I didn't advance the film. Well..... Hopefully that double exposure turns out well!!"

Oh, and I bought a pink Holga 120GN for reeeal cheap on ebay. I might have bought a Holga GTRL (also pink!) instead, but I had not known of them or seen them before I bought the GN. Plus they were more expensive. Does the GTRL have an advantage over the GN in any way?

Oh my. A pink camera.
A cheap, plastic, bulky, toy film camera. A real eyesore.
No one is ever going to take me seriously with this in front of my head.
Why in the world did I get this thing?

Because this is going to fucking rock my socks, thats why!

Can you tell I'm excited?

It's going to be fun!!!

I've already been researching so many "hacks" for the Holgas. It's going to be fun!!!
Have I mentioned that already?

But soon I need to learn how to develop my own film. And I need to get some hardware and chemicals. And then next I need decent scanner - I'm looking at an Epson 4490. I'm sure it all would pay for itself after a few dozen rolls at NatCam's processing price ($9 developing fee, $5.25 for CD, and $1 per frame) at about $22 for an 8 exposure roll, which really isn't that unreasonable.

Then, the next big thing after that is making prints. How much are those?
Whoa boy. I tend to get too ahead of myself.
I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

But until then, I have my holga oasis:

...sometimes web surfing pays off.

Film, rolls, and price

Okay... so...

National Camera has to send out the film. It takes about a week.

Its $8+change charge for developing and full-res scans on a CD. Plus $1 per frame.

That's about $20 a roll. With no prints.

Can anyone suggest better?

I'd seriously consider developing my own film... but I don't have any of the materials or the "hardware".

If anyone can convince me that setting up a darkroom is not only long-term cost effective, but can be short-term cost effective, I'll highly consider doing it.

Until then, I'm on the lookout for the best "bang for the buck" lab.

Maybe someday I can afford an H3D. hahahaha.... fat chance.


Sylvie Blum.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I guess I was wrong

because I thought you were the only person who would understand.

I hate getting out of bed... especially when the mornings start like this one did.

I hate mornings....even with coffee.

I'm so angry. But it will be temporary. Everything always is.


Chip Willis.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

A lovely Brownie

I was going through a lot of old boxes this past weekend and came across a lovely surprise - one of my dad's belongings.
An old Kodak Brownie No. 2.

I have yet to photograph mine, but it looks pretty close to this, with a few slight variations.

I've spent over 2 hours cleaning it, examining it and just fawning over it. It's a beautiful, and I'm quite giddy at the potential that lies within it it.

I've already bought some 120 b&w film on ebay.

- 5 rolls of Ilford Hp5 400
- 5 rolls of Kodak Tmax 400.

Can anyone suggest a great and cheap lab?

Anyway to clean the glass myself?

Any other recommendations or suggestions?

Any way to do self-portraits with it?

I've heard that Ansel Adams' first camera was a brownie.
Just... fyi randomness.

Mmm. More film goodness.

I believe it was taken with a Mamiya, but I have no idea of the film.


Lucian Schmit.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Dimentions of Disclosure

I dont know if I had mentioned this before but, my self-portraiture work is featured in a book called "Dimensions of Disclosure." I'd figure I'd mention it since I just bought it this past week and am awaiting its arrival.

It's a nice feeling, knowing your work is in print. A ...fuzzy, warm sort of feeling.

I have no idea what the print quality is but I will report back once I receive it.

It was for this image:

Time to go hit the sack.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Random Incident that Made My Night

Last night as I got into the car and turned on the stereo to 89.3 the current (my favorite radio station) I caught the tail end of Mark Wheat saying in his lovely british accent " caller number 10 and you'll win these pair of tickets."

I debated whether or not to call, because I had not heard the name of the band that they were giving tickets to, and I know that Mark would ask that if I was caller number 10 (because I had won a pair of tickets a couple weeks prior and he had asked if I knew what band I was getting tickets to), but I decided to anyway. So I call... and it rang through on the first try! Then I heard Mark say, "Thank you, you are caller number 7." And I said, "Okay, thank you." He replied with "Cheers. Have a good night."

Then, two songs later, they played one of my ultimate feel-good songs, "Bruises" by Chairlift.

I couldn't have been happier.

What did I realize from all this happening?

Try, even if you think you might fail. You'll be surprised how far the effort alone will take you. And even if you don't succeed, something marvelous will still happen, even if its not completely clear at that time. You just need to be open, optimistic, and mindful.

Chip posted this just a little while ago. This image captivates me. I can't pinpoint what exactly about it that keeps me entranced, but I think that that fact alone makes me love it even more.


Chip Willis.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hello there...

I've missed you all!

A quick recap of the past few weeks....

...Nothing exciting has happened over on my end, but I prefer it that way...for now. I've been focusing in on personal improvements and advancements, and I'd say that its been going very well.

...I have done quite a few Life Drawing sessions lately, and I'm falling more and more in love with that creative outlet in my life.

...I joined the YMCA yesterday. I'm really looking forward to getting more active and toning up. Today I have a one-on-one fitness consultation... so we'll see how that goes!

...Papa is still in the hospital, and he's very alert and lucid. I'm grateful for every day, every hour, every minute that I can spend with him and hold his hand.

So, until next time!


Sylvie Blum.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

going inwards.

i'm trying to

find calm in my present surroundings.

keep my balance.

block out all distractions.

i'm looking forward to the new morning.

it's on the horizon.

i'll see you in a fortnight or so.


AJ Kahn.
Stephen Haynes.
Nad Iksodas.
Sylvie Blum.
David Winge.

Monday, October 5, 2009


I love this pose.

Sylvie Blum. Second Shoot.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I want to forewarn you...

That the upcoming posts for the next month or so will probably be quite depressing.

So, if you dont want to be brought down... just look at the photos.

But this is my blog, dammit, and I choose to share my personal tragedies and blessings as well as my art.

My grandpa, age 73, has chosen to go home (from the hospital) and die. Without his dialysis, he will fill up with fluid and his organs will fail. He, and my grandmother, have raised me since I was 6 months old. He is the closest thing to a father that I have.

Everyone will die, yes... I know, I know. And I dont want my Papa to suffer...

But how can I possibly wrap my head around this so that it's okay?

I feel paralyzed. I haven't slept well for days. I should have gone today, but can't seem to force myself to go to class. Creating art hasn't distracted me for more than 15 minutes at a time, and I can't put my heart into it.

I will see him later today, still in the hospital. I want to be strong, but then again, I just want to break down, throw my arms around him and beg him to keep trying. Change your mind, Papa. Don't give up, Papa. Please, please don't give up... I need you to stay alive.

But goddamn it, how selfish is that?

I feel tangled up and all alone.


Sylvie Blum. From our second shoot.