Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Everyday we must evaluate ourselves and the situation we're in, and then act.

Sometimes we take the wrong action, or no action at all.

And most of the time, the consequences to those actions show up far later then when we actually do the action.

And most of us do the action that will provide the most pleasurable consequence first, regardless if that same action has a worse consequence in the farther future.

I'm wondering if my modeling, although its been a very rewarding experience, will turn up to bite me in the ass later on down the road. Maybe I'll decide that I want to teach or work with children. As much as I'd like to think that our world will become more progressive in the view of nude art, I know that somehow, someway, some misguided, ignorant parent or school official would find pictures of me and I'd be s.o.l. for a job. And I wouldn't even blame them.

I wonder how many bridges I will burn with my shortsightedness.

And how many times I will go through the cycles and the motions.

And how many times I will just have to accept life as it comes. Including what actions I take, because they all seemed like a good idea at the time.

My pursuit is not for happiness, but for peace. To be at peace, happiness will irrefutably follow.


Matthew Scherfenberg.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


It's official: I've been accepted and can start classes this semester!

I'm going to keep my course load small and easily managable this first semester. I have to take a math course, and I want to take either Anatomy and Physiology or Intro Psychology.

Classes start Monday.

That is all for now.




Monday, August 11, 2008


"The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.

The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind. The mind always seeks to deny the Now and to escape from it. In other words, the more you are identified with your mind, the more you suffer. Or you may put it like this: the more you are able to honor and accept the Now, the more you are free of pain, of suffering - and free of the egoic mind.

Why does the mind habitually deny or resist the Now? Because it cannot function and remain in control without time, which is past and future, so it perceives the timeless Now as threatening. Time and mind are in fact inseparable.

Imagine the Earth devoid of human life, inhabited only by plants and animals. Would it still have a past and a future. Could we still speak of time in any meaningful way? The question 'What time is it?' or 'What's the date today?' - if anybody were there to ask it - would be quite meaningless. The oak tree or the eagle would be bemused by such a question. 'What time?' they would ask. 'Well, of course, it's now. The time is now. What else is there?'


The present moment is sometimes unacceptable, unpleasant, or awful.

It is as it is. Observe how the mind labels it and how this labeling process, this continuous sitting in judgment, creates pain and unhappiness. By watching the mechanics of the mind, you can step out of its resistance patterns, and you can then allow the present moment to be. This will give you a taste of the state of inner freedom from external conditions, the state of true inner peace. Then see what happens, and take action if necessary or possible.

Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.

Past pain: Dissolving the pain-body

As long as you are unable to access the power of the Now, every emotional pain that you experience leaves behind a residue of pain that lives on in you. It merges with the pain from the past, which was already there, and becomes lodged in your mind and body. This, of course, included the pain you suffered as a child, caused by the unconsciousness of the world into which you were born.

This accumulated pain is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind. If you look on it as an invisible entity in its own right, you are getting quite close to the truth. It's the emotional pain-body. It has two modes of being: dormant and active. A pain-body may be dormant 90% of the time; in a deeply unhappy person, though, it may be active up to 100% of the time. Some people live almost entirely through their pain-body, while others may experience it only in certain situation, such as intimate relationships, or situations linked with past loss or abandonment, physical or emotional hurt, and so on. Anything can trigger it, particularly if it resonates with a pain pattern from your past. When it is ready to awaken from its dormant stage, even a thought or an innocent remark made by some close to you can activate it.

Some pain-bodies are obnoxious but relatively harmless, for example like a child who won't stop whining. Others are vicious and destructive monsters, true demons. Some are physically violent; many more are emotionally violent. Some will attack people around you or close to you, while others may attack you, their host. Thoughts and feelings you have about your life then become deeply negative and self-destructive. Illnesses and accidents are often created in this way. Some pain-bodies drive their hosts to suicide.

When you thought you knew a person and then you are suddenly confronted with this alien, nasty creature for the first time, you are in for quite a shock. However, it's more important to observe it in yourself than in someone else. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself, in whatever form - it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship, and so on. Catch it the moment it awakens from its dormant state.

The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, 'become you,' and live through you. It needs to get its 'food' through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness. So the pain-body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.

Once the pain-body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, or you want to suffer pain, or both. There isn't really much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this, of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will find that your thinking behavior are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others. If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would dissolve, for to want more pain is insanity, and nobody is consciously insane.

The pain-body, which is the dark shadow cast by the ego, is actually afraid of the light of your consciousness. It is afraid of being found out. Its survival depends on your unconscious identification with it, as well as on your unconscious fear of cacing the pain that lives in you. But if you don't face it, if you don't bring the light of your consciousness into the pain, you will be forced to relive it again and again. The pain-body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence."

pgs 33-38, "The Power of Now" - Eckhart Tolle.


K Leo.

Friday, August 8, 2008

She & Him

Was an eeeh performance at First Ave., and overcrowded with indifferent audience members. Pretty good music. But what mattered was the amazing company. Stella was included.

Now I'm breaking at the britches, and at the end of all your lines.

I'm not a fan of exercise, but I've been told it's beneficial. (Whoda thunk?) So I'm going to start taking three 30 minute walks a week. Heck, maybe I'll try jogging a bit. There's an amazing trail along the Mississippi 3 minutes away from my house that is quite lovely, so I'm thinking that will be a very nice incentive. I'll let you know how it goes. Or if I dont, I'm slacking off.

Jack Black and Connor Oberst are on Craig Ferguson now. I kinda need to go watch that. The burly, exciting, sweet, intelligent, geeky, funny, adorable, tall, emo, unpredictable, artistic, glasses-wearing guys seem to be my weakness. Not always in that exact combination. Just sayin'. (Oh man, what a list!)

Oh and, Craig Ferguson is a dork!

Who will love you?

Who will fight?

Who will fall far behind?


K Leo.

I'm feeling emotive.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

flexibility is the key

And I have been stretching all of my mental and physical muscles.

I have quite a few physical examples I would love to share: results from my recent "box" shoot with Stephen Haynes. He describes his experience throughout his box sessions with 5 of his models in his blog. As with every session, Stephen provides excellent concepts in which to challenge me, and new ways to test out my posing skills and body awareness.

First we started on top of the box, on the glass plane.

Then inside the box:

Posing with(in) the box was more challenging than I had originally anticipated. As I think Stephen mentioned, there is a tendency to repeat poses in such a small space. But after adjusting to that, and some of Stephen's suggestions, I think I produced a few unique poses, albiet not the most flattering or aesthetically pleasing as far as lines and angles are concerned, but interesting as far as body form.

If any of you are familiar with my photographic taste, you'll note that I am very picky usually dont have this hard of a time picking "the best" (IMHO) in a set. I'll be leaving most of these to sit for my perusal as time helps me sort out the very best.


I received some great news yesterday. The following piece that I created with Todd Jerde (IMagus Digital Fine Art) will be in this year's State Fair Fine Art exhibition.


I might go to the preview for both participating and nonparticipating artists and family and friends. Tuesday, August 19th, 5:30 - 7:30pm.


Rollicking Frolicking Hiphoppity Funky Folkalicious.

Exercise your ears. Taste the music.

Local music, close friends. I'm not biased, it's the frovel love I need to share.

Lady Franklin.

Prospect & Deepsoul Dieties.

All are very entertaining live. That's how I prefer to first experience my local music.


Again, Erin shows her excellence. This was during my last trip to Dubuque.

I love it. Thank you Erin.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Fear of Interaction

It's all in my head.

A friend suggested going to the Diamond Way Center at its first sunday of the month open house. I've been wanting to learn more about Buddhism and what happens at their lectures and meditations, so I was pretty excited to try it out, especially with a familiar, friendly face by my side. My friend called his friend (that frequently attends the normal meetings) to ask what it would be like and what we would be doing.

He said it would require about an hour of mingling.


I had attended a theme party of another friend's less than 24 hours before, so my threshold for meeting and "mingling" with strangers was past its peak.

Needless to say, I chickened out.

I think about why I become so exhausted with the anticipation and in the act of having to engage in small talk with normal strangers, even my peers, but I was at (more at) ease meeting handfuls of people who had seen me displayed naked at the Nude in Minnesota exhibit.

1.) I am very proud and confident of my work within those groups who understand and appreciate artistic nude photography.

2.) Many friends and acquaintances were there, so if I felt that noticeable twinge after talking with visitors, I could frequently recharge my batteries by alternating talking and relaxing with my friends.

3.) Friday night: A bit of indulgence of the Riesling. Alcohol makes an excellent lubricant.

Well, what about meeting and working with photographers I've never worked with before?

They've seen my work, and at the very least respect it, (and likewise for me for their work) otherwise we would have never got in contact in the first place. And I talk with all photographers online prior to meeting, and often over the phone, so that also facilitates the ease of meeting them for the first time.

But yes, at the start of my modeling, I was just as nervous as I am in normal situations now. But I got over that pretty fast.

I think most of the anxiety I feel when meeting with peers or strangers outside my comfort circles is the near certainty that I will have to talk about myself, and how I feel stunted by the composition and eloquence of my speech. It's like all the words in my head just fly above my head, and I'm constantly straining and reaching for them, but they're just out of reach.

It's just something I have to force myself to stop shying away from; dive right in, and face my fears. Getting back into classes will provide those opportunities, for sure.

On the upside, I called the temp agency I worked for, and they have a 2nd and 3rd shift opening of my old position at Merrill Corporation in Financial Services as an Assistant Project Manager. I was good at it, I liked the work, I liked the people I worked with and for (all older males - no drama!) and I was canned because Merrill (obviously a decision that was short-lived) dropped all of their temps to save money. I guess they figured that really wasn't in their best interest in the long run...

But it will be quite a change going from $0 an hour to $16 an hour...


Ahhhh!, I guess I'll have to face up to that fear of speaking between 3:30-4:00pm today when I do a phone interview with 3 of the managers. At least I dont have to do the interview in person...I'm sure I'd look ungodly scared!

Ahhh! Wish me luck!

"The great misfortune is that there is no organ, no kind of eyelid or brake, to mask or block a thought, or all thoughts, when it is wanted." - Paul-Toussaint-Jules Valery


Daniel Love.

Dave Swanson.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Cracks, Strains, Trojans, and Restlessness

I'm home!

Dave Levingston and I had an extremely successful and fun photo trip. If you kept up with Dave's blog the last two weeks, you've read and seen some of the exciting (and some not so exciting [i.e.: the air conditioner]) highlights.

I would have kept up with my own accounts of the trip, (probably not with the same amount of frequency) except that my laptop has reached the pinnacle of uselessness. I cannot open any of my programs on my computer except for the internet browser, the viruses have blocked me out of my google services (my email, and having the ability to post or see/leave comments on other bloggers) although I can still access them from other computers, but worst of all... I have no control panel in which to operate any administrative controls. Nothing, poof, gone. I have tried downloading anti-spyware, anti-viral programs to no avail because I am unable to run any ".exe" files. It's my fault I let it get this far.

There's only one solution. Crash the whole fucking thing and re-install XP.

But how do I crash it if I have no administrative controls? Uncle Greg, please help!

Today I received my first crack in my windshield. Thank you large, random pebble gone AWOL. You've made my day.

I am broke. Broke as broke can be. Brooke is broke. Brooke needs to get a job. Anyone know of any awesome coffeeshops in the Twin Cities that are hiring?

Anyway, I am glad to be home with the family and friends. Unfortunately, my anxiety has also returned and reared its ugly, worrywort head and is inflicting it's usual havoc. Usually its just internal irrational worrying which I have learned how to keep better in check, but when its paired with its best friend, restlessness, I feel literally as if I'm a cat on a hot tin roof with no way down. woo!

I know its all bullshit, but its really fucking hard to get past.

So is cussing, apparantly.

But you know what helps right now? Reading Crazy Wisdom, a book Dave gave me halfway through our trip. It reminds me to take a deep breath, relax, and not take life so seriously.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

And I need me some sushi and plum wine with Erin. sigh. Safe travels sweetie. I'll find my way over there soon.

Thank you to my friends that have been so patient and kind to me. You are all my heros. Really.

"Since everything is but an apparition, perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter."
- Long Chen PA, Tibetan Meditation Master.


Stephen Melvin.
K Leo.

They have iconic, unique signatures and talents.

But then again, the artists I aim to collaborate with the most, always do.