Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Fear of Interaction

It's all in my head.

A friend suggested going to the Diamond Way Center at its first sunday of the month open house. I've been wanting to learn more about Buddhism and what happens at their lectures and meditations, so I was pretty excited to try it out, especially with a familiar, friendly face by my side. My friend called his friend (that frequently attends the normal meetings) to ask what it would be like and what we would be doing.

He said it would require about an hour of mingling.


I had attended a theme party of another friend's less than 24 hours before, so my threshold for meeting and "mingling" with strangers was past its peak.

Needless to say, I chickened out.

I think about why I become so exhausted with the anticipation and in the act of having to engage in small talk with normal strangers, even my peers, but I was at (more at) ease meeting handfuls of people who had seen me displayed naked at the Nude in Minnesota exhibit.

1.) I am very proud and confident of my work within those groups who understand and appreciate artistic nude photography.

2.) Many friends and acquaintances were there, so if I felt that noticeable twinge after talking with visitors, I could frequently recharge my batteries by alternating talking and relaxing with my friends.

3.) Friday night: A bit of indulgence of the Riesling. Alcohol makes an excellent lubricant.

Well, what about meeting and working with photographers I've never worked with before?

They've seen my work, and at the very least respect it, (and likewise for me for their work) otherwise we would have never got in contact in the first place. And I talk with all photographers online prior to meeting, and often over the phone, so that also facilitates the ease of meeting them for the first time.

But yes, at the start of my modeling, I was just as nervous as I am in normal situations now. But I got over that pretty fast.

I think most of the anxiety I feel when meeting with peers or strangers outside my comfort circles is the near certainty that I will have to talk about myself, and how I feel stunted by the composition and eloquence of my speech. It's like all the words in my head just fly above my head, and I'm constantly straining and reaching for them, but they're just out of reach.

It's just something I have to force myself to stop shying away from; dive right in, and face my fears. Getting back into classes will provide those opportunities, for sure.

On the upside, I called the temp agency I worked for, and they have a 2nd and 3rd shift opening of my old position at Merrill Corporation in Financial Services as an Assistant Project Manager. I was good at it, I liked the work, I liked the people I worked with and for (all older males - no drama!) and I was canned because Merrill (obviously a decision that was short-lived) dropped all of their temps to save money. I guess they figured that really wasn't in their best interest in the long run...

But it will be quite a change going from $0 an hour to $16 an hour...


Ahhhh!, I guess I'll have to face up to that fear of speaking between 3:30-4:00pm today when I do a phone interview with 3 of the managers. At least I dont have to do the interview in person...I'm sure I'd look ungodly scared!

Ahhh! Wish me luck!

"The great misfortune is that there is no organ, no kind of eyelid or brake, to mask or block a thought, or all thoughts, when it is wanted." - Paul-Toussaint-Jules Valery


Daniel Love.

Dave Swanson.


Dave Levingston said...

Good luck!

The Average IT Guy said...

It's interesting comparing the lack of confidence you talk about in your blog when looking at the beauty of your images. Your confidence in yourself and your body almost throws itself at the viewer.

I hope we get to work together someday. In the meantime, I look forward to reading about your journeys, both physical and internal.