weekend backfire

Life is a strange bag of big thorns and dark chocolate, liars and lovers, suffering and bliss.

C'est la vie.





Art always lifts me up. Because of that, I'm smiling.

_____________

Risen Phoenix.

life is hard... let's control it.

Perception is everything. You've heard that here before, and perhaps from several other sources. It is truth, sometimes a very hard-to-swallow truth.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I like photography so much. Photography has EVERYTHING to do with perception, and visa-versa. Perhaps I've said that before too.


I'm starting to get ready for my upcoming travels to the East and to the U.P. of Michigan, and starting to plan for travels in the late fall and winter. As I'm in the midst of mentally preparing myself, because its been many months since I've traveled, I've been noticing a little bit of trepidation. I've been very conscious of this, trying to figure out where it's coming from. I love flying, I love meeting new friends, I love going to parts of the country I've never been before, and of course, I love creating art. Clearly, the positives vastly outweigh the negatives. But I'm prone to worry. My first subconscious instinct is to find things that could go wrong - possibly to mentally prepare myself for problems, for failure. Even when every detail of logistics is figured out, there is always room for unexpected changes that are out of my control. And I think that's the real issue. Not being in control.

Control has so many veils of security. "If I am in control of this, or that, I will feel and be safe." It alleviates a sense of helplessness. And helplessness can be scary. The only thing you can ever control is your emotions and reactions to situations, everything else outside of yourself is out of your control. Period. Now, sometimes you can manipulate situations or people to get what you want... and I believe that's what fuels this obsession. Because sometimes it works! And if you're particularly talented at those skills and/or in a position of high authority, they might work a lot. But in the long run, especially if you're pushing for the wrong reasons, they will be detrimental.

I prefer trust. Trust that everything will work out okay. Because it always does. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe anyone should just sit back and do nothing to change a situation, especially if it's harmful to you. I'm talking about when you come to a wall that you can neither go around or knock down. The serenity prayer comes in handy here.


I'm in the middle of a particularly hard personal situation with a loved one. I desperately want to control it, to change it, to get the unwanted factor(s) out of their life and my life. And the first few days, hell, the first few weeks were horribly hard. Half the time, I was (both unconsciously and consciously) pulling out all my childish tactics to make it go away. The other half, I was purposely denying the issue / lying to myself, pretending that it wasn't even in existence or that it would go away. Then, when I couldn't lie to myself anymore, and I was tired of being a baby, I got on my pedestal spouting the morals of societal homogonies and ethics of popular opinions and methodologies. Woe is me! You're hurting me! You're making me feel this way with your actions/choices! For a very short time, I even tried to get a third party on the bandwagon (who was already on, but I thought "strength in numbers.") Then... hypocrisy slapped me hard in the face. And the realization that, although this is so very hard, if I learn to accept it I will have a much easier time continuing the very important relationship than if I resist it. So I've been accessing all the resources I can to understand it. And, low and behold, I have much more peace with it. I'm still not happy about it, by any means, but I am coming to terms with it. And all I can do is take a leap of faith, and trust that these unwanted factors will not harm the relationship I have with my loved one.

It's a huge leap of faith, and it is possible that I wont make it to the other side, but I'm proud that I have the courage to jump... instead of cowering in fear, sadness and anger.






_____________

Self-portrait. In-camera double exposure.

when I needed it most

Okay, so, I'm going to go totally geektastic on all of you. Or maybe it's pure dorkaliciousness. But anyway, before I get to the sweet goodness of it, I need to describe what this means to me, and where I'm coming from.

I'm coming completely clean. You may not know me in real life or you may. Either way, I've been keeping secrets for a few months. And you know what secrets do? They eat away at you. I've thought that I should keep this blog as impersonal as possible, but that's just silly. The only thing people can really connect to are things in others that they can personally relate to. Our perceptions of others revolve around our own personal experiences. So, I have nothing to lose telling you all this, except my guilt and shame. The funny thing is, I've considered writing about this before, but I felt like I would be judged and therefore I would feel more guilt and shame. But what I sometimes forget, especially when I have an unwelcome guest in my home (I'll get to that in a little bit), is that the only person who has the power to make me feel anything is myself. One of my favorite quotations is, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." I'm rambling... so I should move on and be more concise.

I've been going through a lot of changes in my life in the past few months. I'm in recovery - I've eradicated alcohol and marijuana from my life and I've been completely sober for over four months without a single slip or relapse. Some can handle those chemicals in a healthy manner and be functional (or not), but not me. I have an addictive personality, which is both a blessing and a curse. Stopping cold turkey was hard, but an absolute necessity, which in a way made it easier. I've also been trying to find a way out of my current living and home environment and start living independently, since I'm living with family that uses said chemicals quite frequently in my presence. Plus, I'm 24 - it's way past time I leave the nest. Overall I'm struggling to create freedom from the chains that hold me down. The biggest, heaviest chain, it seems, is the beast. Depression.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I've written about the beast before. And it can change; it sneaks in with slightly different disguises so you don't know to kick it out before it has already overstayed it's welcome. It always does its best to convince you that it's your friend, your companion, your confidant, so that when it's already made itself at home with you, you're afraid you'll be completely alone without it. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful little monster. It's (usually) never as powerful as the last time it made it's way into my home, but it's still quite sneaky. It blocks up all the windows and doors - there's hardly any sunshine, there's no sweet breeze, but worst of all, there's no way out - until you make it leave. But you can't just wish it to leave, hope it to leave or tell it to leave - you have to kick it out the fucking door. And only you can do it. No one can sweet-talk it away for you, no matter how much they love you. But the very frustrating thing is, it knows how to pick locks. One of these days I'll learn how to keep it out for good.

Anyway, enough talk about the malicious bastard. So, I've been listening to a lot of music lately. It's one of my many coping mechanisms. And lately I've been going back to my roots - choral music. There are many, many great pieces out there that uplift me, but by far my favorite composer is Eric Whitacre. He's the composer that wrote/arranged Lux Aurumque, the choral piece I put in my last post.

He is a compositional genius. I realize that choral music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but take 20 minutes out of your very busy day and I dare you to listen to these songs (which are three of my favorite pieces) and NOT get chills. But keep in mind, there is no substitution to hearing a top-notch choir (like the Concordia College Choir or VocalEssence [which both happen to be Minnesota choirs - we Minnesotans really know how to sing] in a live space. You just can't reproduce the sound, even with professional equipment and recordings.











I had been listening to these 3 songs yesterday and today. After a particularly rough weekend, I had been trying my best to get my beast off my back. They helped immensely, but I still felt I couldn't shake it completely.

Then out of the blue this past afternoon I receive an email, which reads:

Brooke,

A fan sent me a link to your blog entry "Light and Gold", and that got me snooping around your site, and I was compelled to write you a quick note. SUCH beautiful work! Truly gorgeous, inspired images - you have such an eye for the delicate and the subtle.

Perhaps our paths will one day cross; until then, please know that you have a new fan in Los Angeles.

With much admiration,
Eric Whitacre

I thought at the beginning of writing this post, that I was going to go all gaga about what this email means to me, but there's not much more to say. Except, it's furthered my belief in my understanding of how the world works, my spirituality, the law of attraction, and that there is no such thing as a coincidence.

I'm flying free and high as a bird waaaay above the clouds. I'll be up here a while.

I feel like this:







The deepest, heartfelt thanks goes to Eric, a true inspiration, who took a couple minutes out of his day to look and to tell me what he thought of my art, at a time when I needed it most.




___________

Matthew Scherfenberg.

Photography: Natural vs Reality

Dave Levingston recently was expressing his position based off of critical comments/questions by his friend Morgan. Her main concern (in a nutshell) seems to be why aren't photographers asking models to pose in "natural" ways.

"This is about calling bullshit when I see it and it’s bullshit to say that someone is celebrating the beauty of the natural female form when there isn’t anything natural in the ways they pose or photoshop their models."

Okay, first of all, what constitutes "natural?" Here, I have a link to the definitions of "natural." None of those definitions seem to really fit what Morgan is aiming at, instead I think they cater to more of how Dave defines it. Dave asks his models to either mimic or contradict the lines or patterns of nature in the scene as he sees it. If models were asked to be photographed, posing like one would stand waiting for the bus, or lounging like they're watching tv, there would be nothing inspiring to photograph - in most cases. And that's not the definition of natural, that's just sedentary. Any way a person poses is natural, because the pose is emanating from themselves. They are not attaching anything artificial, or man-made, to their bodies, or doing something impossible that a human being cannot possibly do. That would be unnatural.

And my favorite type of photographic art is one that tries to imitate the impossible. But that's just me.

But I personally don't believe this is really the case at hand - I think it's mostly an excuse. I think Morgan is just pissed off at society at large for the way women have been perpetuated in the media and blaming it on how it has influenced their representation in artistic mediums. Specifically (obviously) photography. But every era in time has their own idealistic version of women - how they are considered attractive and sexually appealing. In this day in age, even I wouldn't fit that description. Yes, I am trim, but I don't have big breasts. I am not tall. I don't have that exaggerated hourglass figure. But I absolutely love the way I am, and I am thankful that I am lacking those physical attributes because I personally strive to participate in nude art that tries to separate beauty from sexuality. Of course, those two can't be totally separated, I realize, but I focus my energy in collaborating in art that does not excite sexual arousal. I am most excited by art that represents the innocence of the nude form; that we come from nature and we are all born naked, the amazing geometry and forms that the human body can take, and the unconventional beauty of "unnatural" posing.

I think people have this notion stuck in their minds that photography should depict realness. I think when people see a photograph, there's a part of their mind that views it as purely journalistic. But photography, when used for a tool in art, shows the artist's reality - and that's it. And their reality doesn't have to be real. That's the most absolutely wonderful thing about art. Art represents a continuum between fantasy and truth. Wherever the artist decides to stop on that continuum is their prerogative.

I think photography is involved in so much controversy because it most often does show truth in the scene. It's a snapshot in time, it captures the moment. No other medium has these claims that it distorts reality, because all the other mediums do that automatically.

I guess it boils down to, if you want to see "natural" photographs of people you'll have more luck looking in the newspaper (yes, they still exist - for now). Whatever you do, don't look at art.



On that note, here's an "unnatural" pose self-portrait.

Limitations and Potentialities

Short-ish post, as I have very limited access to the internet for an indefinite period of time, but I didn't want to leave my readers hanging.

Matt's gallery show went spectacular! We had over 1,200 people come through Matt's exhibit studio in the Grain Belt Building, and he sold quite a few prints, and had even more interest for people buying in the near future. The real money type, like, "I want a 8 foot print of that image, no matter what the cost" type. So, I think it's very safe to say that it was an uber-successful show.


On a completely unrelated matter, I am growing. Everyone is usually growing every day, I realize that, but this is very significant for me. Much more significant than anything else I've considered significant before.

My spirituality, my peace, my sense of calm, figuring out who I really am, the nature of my essence... that understanding and that strong current of awareness, of consciousness, has been filling me slowly but surely throughout the weeks and months. But it really took the 'straw that broke the camel's back' to bring me to that most important point in my life. It was a slap in the face and a huge blessing in disguise. It was the turning point.

No need to go into the details, they are essentially unimportant, except to know that it was the turning point for me. Of course, of course, I have SO much learning and growing to do, and will always continue to progress for the rest of my life - for it is the journey, not the destination. But the dysfunction has ended, the denial has stopped, the running away has turned into running towards. Everything that has happened in my past, I am so grateful for - because it has brought me here, to this sacred NOW. I don't regret, nor would I change one single thing in my life. It has happened because I willed it to happen, and everything in the future will happen because I will will it to happen. It's about the cosmic design of the universe, and the subtle patterns within.

Now, I know some of you think this is totally radical, completely out of character, or just plain nonsense. And that's completely okay and wonderful. And you're right, this progression or awakening or consciousness (or whatever you want to label it) in me are all those things. There's no way I could ever really accurately describe what this is, because our - and any, every - language has it's limitations. These words are only pointers to the truth of what is and what I am.

Perception is the world, and the world is perception. We are not separate beings, we are connected and interconnected with every single thing on this planet. Every single thing. Our destiny is to merge with infinity.


___________________________

Matthew Scherfenberg.

Am I ?

self-portrait.

My first night in Palm Springs, CA. Around 2am.



It's not made of much, then again, neither am I. Neither are you.

I mean, if you think about it, we are primarily made up of empty space. Nothingness.

And really, that's not so bad. Actually it's not anything.

Nothing can't be bad. Nothing can't be good.

It just is.

And I am.



------------


I have a short passage I want to share with you.

It is from the book, "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran.
I highly recommend it.


"And a man said, Speak to us of Self-Knowledge.
And he answered, saying:
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless."

Rise

In reality, I had been falling for a long time. But I finally hit the bottom, and after I came to, I started to brush myself off and get back on my feet.


My body was disoriented, but my mind was startlingly serene. Without knowing so, I brushed off my restraints and scars, started to climb out of my hole, and then I discovered I could fly.










Paradoxically, it feels like I fell from the ground to the endless sky.







________________

Fall off

.











I feel like I'm on the edge, just waiting to fall off.




_____________

guess I'm a fool for you

I’m a recovering under cover over lover
recovering from a love I cant get over
recovering under cover over lover
and now my common law lover thinks he wants another

and i'd lie for you
I cry for you
mm pop for you
and break for you
and hate for you
and I hate you too
if you want me too
I pray for you
crochet for you
make it from scratch for you
leave off the latch for you
go to the store for you
do it some more for you
do what you want me to
guess I’m a fool for you

I’m a recovering under cover over lover
recovering from a love I cant get over
recovering under cover over lover
and now my common law lover thinks he wants another

and i'd lie for you
and cry for you
pop for you
break for you
hate for you
and I'll hate you too
if you want me too
i gotta do
my love for you
drive to school for you
paint it red for you
it's true, it's true
thought I was through with you
guess I'm a fool for you



Erykah Badu is a new force in my life to be reckoned with.

_______________

My first band shoot. Hopefully I did them justice. Deepsoul Dieties.

Falling behind!

I have so much to do, so many people to reply to...

Less is more.

Copyright....stuff

So, I never know what to do in these situations... luckily it hasn't happened often. But I always try to do right by the photographer. But... am I taking it too seriously? Or not?

I've been told, or I've heard somewhere, or maybe I've just assumed, that if a photo is posted (a.k.a. used) somewhere without the photographers permission (excluding the model posting it for promotional usage) that it is a violation of copyright infringement.

When I find or am alerted of (via google web alerts) photos of myself posted somewhere I always notify the photographer, and then I try to communicate to the "poster" that they are violating copyright infringement and should always ask permission from the photographer first before using an image in any way.

Now, be aware that I'm playing the devil's advocate here....but am I making too big a fuss about this? Should I confront these "posters" or should I just notify the photographer and leave it up to them to do it? Should I (and/or the photographer) be happy for the "exposure?" Are the posters really doing anything wrong?




____________


Eric Hiss.

And lots of graphite.

buzzzzz

I've been in buzzing mode for the past week or so. No, I'm not actually buzzing or buzzed. No ingested chemicals have caused this state of mind. So, the word seems a bit arbitrary, but to me it most accurately describes what I'm feeling right now.

I've completely dived into researching various medium format cameras and various kinds of 120 film. Not only because of my interest, but also for the distraction.

The problem is... all I'm coming up with are subjective opinions from others via forums and photo sites. I guess its not really a problem, per se, but when I read oodles and oodles of posts about people arguing over film; Kodak vs Fuji, Ilford vs Agfa, slide vs color neg, and all the debates of specific films (Velvia vs Agfa Ultra, Tmax vs Tri-x, Delta vs HP5+, Superia vs Reala, ___chrome vs ___chrome, the list extends on to infinity... and I haven't even touched debates over developing/developers), I've basically compiled all my research and it chalks up to: You can't really rely on any specific suggestions. Some general ones you can accept - with a grain of salt.

It boils down to that I just gotta get out there and shoot as much film as I can and discover my preferences.

Someone very, very generous is giving me a Lubitel 166+ Universal TLR. It looks so peeerty. But then again, I have an instant attraction to TLRs... for some reason. AND, this camera even has a self-timer!... but its broken and probably can't be fixed easily. But hey, that's okay!



I think I'm stocked up on MF cameras for a while. Now I just need film. And lots of it.

And when I need/want a change, I'll go back to my two lovely 35mm cameras.




I'm really excited to try multiple exposures. In fact, I really want to swap rolls with someone in another city (cough cough Erin) and see what we produce.



I don't just want to take pictures, I want to create pictures. I want each exposure to be a canvas. I want to experiment, and I want to have fun. I want to be inhibited, so before each exposure my camera will slap down a shot. I dont want to take pictures of models, or scenery, or buildings - I want to create pictures of people. Of places. Of things. Sometimes I'm going to want to create pictures of everything and nothing - at the same time. Sometimes I'll let the camera take creation into its own hands, and sometimes I'll force it to do my bidding. Sometimes I'll be aiming to create something sober, sometimes something drunk. Sometimes realistic, sometimes bizarre. Sometimes I'll ask my camera to lie, sometimes I'll insist it be truthful. Sometimes I'll be neglectful, and sometimes I'll be clingy. Sometimes the camera and I will battle and fight, and sometimes we will sing harmoniously.

We'll have great adventures, my cameras and I.






_____________

Christopher Ryan.

I guess I was wrong

because I thought you were the only person who would understand.



I hate getting out of bed... especially when the mornings start like this one did.



I hate mornings....even with coffee.



I'm so angry. But it will be temporary. Everything always is.





_________________

Chip Willis.

You're going to make mistakes, you're young

Get hot, get too close to the flame
Wild, open space
Talk like an open book
Sign me up
Got no time to take a picture
I'll remember someday
all the chances we took
We're so close to something better left unknown

I can feel it in my bones
Gimme sympathy
After all of this is gone
Who'd you rather be?
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?
Oh, seriously
You're gonna make mistakes, you're young
Come on, baby, play me a song
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"

Don't go, stay with the all-unknown
Stay away from the hooks
All the chances we took
We're so close to something better left unknown








I have to make mistakes to learn. You make me forget and remember who I am.


______________

Erin. Taken with a Diana.

Inside Out

Stretch all the way around and be close to your ground.






Doctor Horrible Sing Along Blog. Act 2, Parts 1 $ 2.







Packing 3 weeks of clothing into a small carry on is much more of a challenge for an art nude model than what you would think!


Today, Minneapolis. Tomorrow, West coast tour starting off in Portland!

________________

Lightphile Studios.

Just when you think....

...things are getting better and




BAM.




I wish I didn't mean that literally.


Here's a photo. It's not my usual kind of thing, but hey... neither is this.




Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Other times like I'm surfacing. Yesterday was the former, and today is the latter.


Here's something to make you (and me) smile. Do give it a chance.

(In all reality, its much better after you've seen the whole thing once before.)

Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog. Act 1, Parts 1 & 2.







_____________________

Zeitgeist Photography.

Am I a computer hog?

Matt thinks so.



But it brings up an interesting discussion.

Matt works on computers all day. Its part of his job. But he's not actually working directly on the internet, or more accurately, he's not working with the internet as a networking tool. So I can understand how he would be a little stupefied as to how I can possibly be on the computer for at least 2 hours a day, sometimes even up to 6 hours a day. And my grandma, well, you can imagine that if Matt is a bit flabbergasted, grandma just has no clue as to how I could waste a quarter of my day in with a laptop in my lap. Her boyfriend often remarks, "Is that thing attached?"

But seriously, how can I be on the computer that long? What the hell am I doing?

I'm setting up shoots. I'm confirming shoots. Browsing photographers. Browsing photos for inspiration, both conceptually and pose-wise. I'm looking up the best and cheapest flights. I'm posting photos. Replying to emails. Writing emails. Thinking up and compiling photos for article ideas for Univers d'Artistes. I'm looking for juried shows and art submissions for my boyfriend. I'm reading blogs, writing blogs, and reading google news.

If that doesn't seem like a lot, I assure you, it is.

You know, when I go off and do these shoots, a lot of photographers seem taken back by the amount of quality work I've done in the two short years I've been doing this (wow, it really has been two years already!), and I've gotten a quite a few questions to the effect of, "how did you get this far so soon?" Usually I say something overly modest such as, "Oh, just hard work and good taste." And those are true, of course, but a bigger part of it is, in my opinion, networking. And good connections are vital too, but I just contribute that to having good taste and having the decency to not ever flake and keeping my reputation squeaky clean.

In the summertime its much more often because, this is my summer job. Okay, this IS my job no matter what time of the year it is, but in the summer I'm just a lot more busy. But hey, I've managed to make it out to the beach three full days this summer already (with more to come)! Last year I only made it to two, so I think I'm doing pretty damn good! (Dont worry guys, I put on 70 SPF sunscreen!)



So it might be the cause that's rotting out my brain and atrophying my muscles, but hey, as long as this is the means to an art end, I'm more than okay with that.




_______________________

Lightphile Studios.

Less says more

Don't you agree?

That's why I think the VIP 100 picture purchase option on MM is bullshit. If you can't say what you have to say in 20 pictures, you should have a website, not more pictures on a crappy immature model/photographer networking site.

I'm awfully judgmental when I've had some wine.

Nah, that's a lie. I'm always judgmental and overly picky, I just usually dont say it out loud - I keep it to myself. But... I like it that way. I am quite snobby about my artistic aesthetic, and if I wasn't intrinsically driven, I wouldn't be striving the way I continually am to always enhance my portfolio and up my standards. Some would say its a disservice to myself, as I should just try to have fun and make art. Well, I can tell you first hand that some of the best artists (in my opinion) know how to have the best fun.

Fuck yes.

Enough rambling already. Here's some art.





And here's some fun (at CONvergence, the funnest, geekiest geek festival in the midwest)!


Poke.


The aftermath of the Dr. Horrible Sing Along (Blog).




Oh, have I mentioned that I have a huge crush on Nathan Fillion? (Captain Hammer in Doctor Horrible...)



(Captain Hammer:
You've got a little crush, don't you, Doc? Well, that's gonna make this hard to hear. See, later, I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place. Show her the command center, Hammercycle, maybe even the Hamjet. You think she likes me now? I'm gonna give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. See, Penny's giving it up, she's giving it up hard. Cause she's with Captain Hammer. And these...
[Hammer holds up his fists]
...are not the hammer.
[Hammer walks out of the shot momentarily then walks back in]

The hammer is my penis.)


Sorry, I totally geeked out there for a moment. I'm sure you'll recover.


____________________

Matt Blum.
Matthew Scherfenberg.


Scherfenberg's iPhone! x2.

google's image search engine.

Fear and Love

The biopsychosocial explanation to all emotions and motivations in humanity. These rule our hearts, our thoughts and our actions. Either individually, in unison or in discord.

I fear too much, and love too little.
Probably due to my dysfunctional childhood, I suppose.






______________

Michael Sloane.